we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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