she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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