Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
