the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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