My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
