Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
