She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
