tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
