i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
