dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
