I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
