1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
