I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
