i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
