i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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