and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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