I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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