I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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