my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
