i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
