At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Two words: blizzard sex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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