mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
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He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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