my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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