shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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