K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
