I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
