So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
