I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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