It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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