you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
