Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
