Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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