Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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