I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
