made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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