Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
