Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
