I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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