I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
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i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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