she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
