im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
