dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
