I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
