Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
