Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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