i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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