Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
