When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
