She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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