Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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