Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
