Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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