Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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