I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
