I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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