you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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